I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
