you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
