If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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