Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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