Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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