I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
