I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
