There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize