I wish I could teleport
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
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