never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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