i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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