my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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