my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
