jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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