Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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