He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
