He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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