3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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