im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
