Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It was confusing and full of hummus
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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