Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
