Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
