i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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