Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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