I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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