This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
