if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize