Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
