In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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