I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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