I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
