You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
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