we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize