I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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