I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
