You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
