A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
