im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
