I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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