Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize