I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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