i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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