I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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