Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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