He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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