The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
