I wish my penis had an off switch
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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