Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this boner is exhausting
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
