he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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