just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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