Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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