My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
