I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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