some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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