its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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