Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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