just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
