I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
