She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
