So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Randomize
