its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
