I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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